ohio conference 2005

21 years of walls come crashing down...

and i can’t believe how, by God's plan, these past 21 years of my life have led up to this conference...this is it...

21 years of walking deeper into darkness, abandoning my faith for temporary happiness, numbness, bitterness, grudges, indifference, all because i was too afraid to open my heart and face my hurts as well as my needs…of using up time for myself and wasting it on negativity when i could’ve used it to heal myself and build up my family…21 years i selfishly held from being shared with so many others who could’ve used a friend or needed to be loved or needed to know they were not alone…

but of all the things i've learned, the most important realization that God humbled me with this weekend was the fact that  i will never know where i could be right now if God hadn’t been with me these past 21 years…

during all the times i fell defeated, was lost, felt alone, lost loved ones, turned away, ran away, was taken by the world, was cold, hard-hearted, and selfish with my pride…all these 21 years, through hard times and in suffering, making my pain indestructible, believing that my life would never change because of how much i feared sacrificing or losing the few joys i thought i had in life, thinking i was nothing and had nothing, i had God. i will never know all that He has protected me from, how much He really loves me, how far He’s taken me, how many times He’s carried me through so many struggles, waited with open arms, wouldn’t let me go, cried with me, prayed for me, talked to me, listened to me, or stayed with me in the moments of my life i thought i was most unreachable. never have i been so moved or overwhelmed by the thought of God and God's love. and now i have no excuses to feel like anything is impossible, for not striving to be holy, 100% pure, open-hearted, and willing to break all my chains, let all my burdens go, and just follow God. no turning back now. just when i thought this journey couldn't get any crazier, i know i won't even be able to imagine in my wildest dreams where God will lead me...places, people...everything. if He hasn't stopped believing in me up to now, how could i ever doubt Him? no matter what happens from now on, whatever i keep and whatever i lose, help me to remember that having You is enough...i won't forget, not only where i've been, but also where You've always been.